By Ralph Scoville

What started out as an overcast chilly day ended up being a glorious sun-spackled day on Randall’s Isle. The glare off the pitch was at a peak not normally seen until Summer. The glare was not from the sun, nay, it cometh from the bald beaks of all the pasty white domes that were scattered about. While SPF 500 sunscreen relieved the effects of the sun’s rays, it only accentuated the glare.

Buried deep within a codpiece codicil of USA Rugby bylaws, is a note that all players are not to wear yoga pants, body condoms, HAZMAT suits, or any other smooth, stretchy fabric under their uniforms. The ONLY exception to this rule, is for games played at Randall’s Island. Due to the base of the artificial surface being sand, rather than the traditional rubber pellets, players are allowed to protect themselves against skin abrasions. Many of the players on each side took full advantage. Rather than a lovely Spring day with temperatures in the 60’s, by the amount of body armour worn, you would have thought that Hell’s Gate was about to freeze over.

It was Village Lions Friends and Family day and a slew of their alumni would come out to get in a run. Morris would provide about 10 players, so with the Greys, Gents, Long Island, there were probably close to 80 intrepid souls looking to relive their youth. As Sunday will be Mother’s Day, this also amounted to approximately 80 women who have received the ultimate gift: their husbands/significant others are keeping themselves amused, whilst they enjoy a few precious moments of “me” time. The 5 Rugby Dons would meet and determine that 4 mini games would be played in the allotted 2 hours.

The format was to be Village Lions A vs the Greys, sequentially followed by Village Lions B vs Morris, Village Lions B vs the Greys, and concluding with Village Lions A vs Morris.

For results of the non-Morris games, you will have to ask someone else. As I am a cheap hack and not a professional reporter, I have no idea of the outcome of those games. I was obviously too busy stretching out and preparing myself mentally for our games.

Morris would kick off to begin the second game. After repelling a Village pelvic thrust (with a step to the left and a jump to the right), Ryan would kick the ball full into touch (note: have you ever seen a ball kicked half into touch?). The touch judge awarded the throw-in to the V-Lions. The Mayor of Touch doth protesteth. As he is the ultimate arbiter for all matters of Touch for Morris, he thought that Morris should retain the ball. The referee patiently explained to Mike that whilst he was the Grand Poobah for Morris Touch Rugby, his domain ends at the Morris County border. Therefore, as referee, he is Master of his Domain and if Mike did not like it, he should beat it! Grumbling, Mike gave a harrumph and moonwalked back to the line-out.

It was all downhill from there. The V Lions led 12-0 at the break, scored again in the 2nd and were cruising to a shutout when off a penalty inside the V Lion 22M line, Ryan would take a quick pass from Mick and sashay into the try zone. Time then expired with Morris losing 19-5.

Our 2nd game was a lot like our first. Ofttimes we would be tackled, but there was no support for the ball carrier and the V Lions would strip the ball and begin the attack anew. Not sure of the final score. All I know is that we did not score this game and they got at a couple tries at least.

The whistle blew and all players gathered under the majestic Triborough Bridge for a photo op. More sunscreen was slathered on as we gathered for sammiches and beer whilst watching the Village Lions Women’s game. Our official season ends next Saturday on the green, but goose guano covered, pitch in Bayonne.

Before I close, a special shout-out to Skinny Andy, a Master in Good Standing, who FINALLY made it out to a game.

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