By Ralph Scoville

Today marked the last day of our fictitious season. To this point, we are 3-0 going into the finale at Bayonne. The weather was perfect for rugby, for hanging out on the deck, even for mowing the lawn. Why, Ryan even took off his tights! There are times when fact and fiction are the same. Tragically, today is one of those days.

Lou Petruzzello, CT Grey, opponent, friend, all-around good guy, was taken from us much too soon. Even if we had played today, Lou would not have joined us. This match report is dedicated to him.

Bayonne was our host. As is typical of a Bayonne match, record numbers of players show up looking for a run. Maybe it is the Star Wars imagery of the gantry’s across the Newark Bay, or maybe it is the soft landing supplied by the goose effluent, or maybe it is the victuals provided by Danny Boys, but whatever the reason, Bayonne always draws a crowd.

The Greys supplied a side by themselves. Bayonne and Morris would serve as the base for the other 2 teams, as the Village Lions, Long Island and the Gents would fill in with a few rugby whores… er, mercenaries.

Our first match would be against the host Bayonne. Stocked with Bayonne Bombers B-side players looking for some action, they would prove to be a worthy opponent. But for the first time in countless years, Morris clicked. Backs did not drop the ball, forwards were there at the breakdown and everyone made a tackle. This includes even yours truly, who instead of getting trucked like I usually do, dropped many a runner with a solid shoulder.

A notable try was scored by Adam “Twinkle-toes” Brennan, who picked up a loose ball at the Morris 5M line and sprinted through the entire Bayonne side like a modern day Franco Harris. Bill Wilt missed the entire run, however. After helping to win the ball in the ruck, he stayed on the ground, as progressions of actuarial tables dominated his thoughts. John Sutherland never passed the 50M line all day, as he thought that line was a wall that could not be crossed. After a back and forth match, Aussie Mick would add the conversion and Morris would win a nail-biter. PTUI. (We pause here to spit out the goose poop under our cuticles.)

Morris would rest as Bayonne put up a valiant match against the Greys. As fit as the Greys typically are, they needed every erg of energy to exclaim a victory shout.

This set up a climactic final match between the Greys and Morris for the Spring season title. In the past, when arranging our sides, we would always opt for Lou to play with us instead of Andy. With Lou not there, we HAD to take Andy. Well, I should amend that Lou was not there as a player, but he still agreed to act as the ref. With this match of utmost importance, Chappy agreed to come out of retirement and resurrect his “Wheatfields” peptalk. It did not work for the Confederates, it did not work for Morris the last time he used it, but he was confident that the 3rd time was the charm.

The match would kick off. Although not visible, Ref Lou would tolerate no transgressions. Morris would find this particularly frustrating. We always like to offer the referees constructive advice based upon our collective years of experience. We would bitch about a penalty and magically the ball would move us back 10M. Soon even Morris would take the hint and be quiet. Lou had accomplished something in the afterlife that no mere mortal could do: make Morris shut up.

With the score tied, Morris would have a line-out at the Grey 22M line. Chappy soared and ripped the ball out of the air. OUCH!! Did I forget to tell you that he played, but with his flip-flops on? After winning the ball and landing, someone stomped on his bare foot. No matter, he soldiered on. The ball was swung wide to Seamus. With visions of Castleisland still fresh in his head, he would score THIS time for Morris. We had the lead, but 5 minutes were left on the clock…. We think. Morris would win the restart, but immediately give the ball back to the Greys. With the Morris try zone in full view, the Greys went on the attack. Winning the ruck, the ball was swept wide and appeared to die harmlessly before reaching the wing. BUT, as if with divine guidance, the ball levitated up from the grass and into the waiting Greys hands. Normally Morris is the team dropping the easy pass, but here, even with a cupcake handed to them, the Greys would muff the pass and Morris would hold on for the win. Our perfect season remained intact!

We headed to Danny Boys and hoisted a shot to Lou. His passing served as an inspiration to why we keep playing, as you never know when the Referee of Life will blow the whistle and announce that your personal full-time is up. Enjoy every sandwich lads.

In honor of Lou, we leave with this version of the classic O’Jays song:

People all over the pitch (everybody)
Bind hands (bind)
Start a love train, love train
People all over the pitch (all the pitch, now)
Bind hands (love ride)
Start a love train (love ride), love train

The next score that we make will be soon
Tell all the folks in New Zealand, and Ireland, too
Don’t you know that it’s time to get on board
And let this game keep on scrumming, scrumming on through

Posted in Masters