The following match report is a joint effort by Bill Wilt and Ralph Scoville

On the surface, it looked like another lovely Spring day in NJ. The University in the Forest shone in its green splendor and the sun basked down on the Charlie X. Havea Field. All that was missing were the people. Not everyone was displeased. With no students around to disturb them, the squirrels must have had a virtual orgy. The 2-legged fornication was replaced by 4-legged. Acorns from beneath the stately Oaks were replaced by squirrel droppings. The official mascot of Drew would be changed from the Ranger Bear to Rocket J. Squirrel.

Before the game could even proceed, there was palace intrigue. In what would be known as the Mead Hall Putsch, in one of her last actions as President, Mary Ann Baenninger would summarily oust Andrew “Dingle” Thompson as Club President, merely for being the son of Steve “Loader/Dingle-Dad” Thompson. Dingle was being punished for the sins of his father nearly 40 years earlier, or for some offense at an Alumni cocktail party, or maybe both.

Tom Tani would again graciously offer to ref the match pitting the Morris Masters against the Drew Legends. With 2 new bionic knees, the hope was that Tom would be able to better keep up with the play and thus call fewer penalties. UGH…. were we wrong!

Let’s cut to our announcing team of Bill Wilt (Morris Masters) and Ralph Scoville (Drew Legends).

Period 1

The manly men of Morris would set up to receive the kick on this, the 40th anniversary of Drew University – aka the Harvard of NJ – ejecting our very own Senior Match Reporter and Steadfast Match Secretary off their undergraduate rolls. We can be sure Drew’s rankings in the Barron’s catalog rose after they and their motley crew of fellow senior rugby players stopped skipping classes and failing tests. That same motley crew – definitely looking like time has caught up with them – lines up for the kickoff.

Morris have taken a wobbly kick at their own 22 and proceeded to run it straight up the middle. There’s no attempt at passing as these crafty old boys know their limitations. It’s a ruck near the midfield with every single one of Morris’ forwards joining in. Cal piles into Andy as they push against, well, no one really, but Morris forwards know you can’t be too sure about securing the ball. And sure enough, out it comes in Morris’ favor. Big Toe clears the ball for Morris with a pass to flyhalf Ryan VanN who makes takes a hit from Animal before popping it up to teammate Kettner where he…POW, Holy Christmas …. Eric Kaeuper just made a “Taco” to go out of Dave….oof, that is going to hurt in the morning! Luckily for Morris, Skinny Andy picks up the ball and passes to Martin, who deftly runs in for the try. No one is left to kick, so Seth Buzby reluctantly grabs the tee. Visions of Saranac past are running through his head, making his knees quiver like he just drank a quadruple espresso. Throwing all caution to the wind, he closes his eyes and lets his leg whip…. It’s through! The demons have been exorcised! Morris is up 7-0 at the break.

Good God, Bill. How can someone so intelligent be so utterly oblivious to the obvious. Of course Morris had no opposition until they got to the 50, these young lads just came back from clubbing and were still tying their shoes. Then when they finally got their crap together, Charlie Havea came in as a sub. His afro blocked out the sun! Our lads were playing blindly. When we tried to yell instructions, the creaking and groaning from Slades neck was deafening. With all those crafty veterans, we were lucky to be down only 7-0.

Period 2

Drew lines up to receive. Long Island Ralph flips it to Greg Gordon … BUT WAIT… after the restart John Sutherland has led the entire Morris team to the sidelines. It looks like they are trying to find berries to pick. Uh-oh, the Mayor has picked up a green, leafy boa…..Amazed at their good fortune, Greg and Ralph jog backwards down the pitch, exchanging passes as they go in for the try. Former Eagle and Drew HOF inductee Mild Bill Bernhardt comes out for the conversion. It’s been awhile since he has kicked, so he invokes the phone-a-friend option and ZOOMs another Drew HOF John Hinchcliff for some kicking advice. Despite being in Auckland, John can easily tell Bill the correct angle to use. The kick is drilled and the score is tied.

Drew takes the restart. Steve Thompson sees the Mayor dead ahead and fakes a whimsical fussy cut to the left. This fakes the Mayor out of what is remaining of his shorts (aaah, cute Baby Shark boxers, Mike). Now a supercute pass to Joe Somerville, who wheels (of fortune) to the outside and is off at superhuman speed. Who knew a man so large could move so fast? BAM!! Adam Brennan gives a massive effort to bring Joe down. This collision of outsized centers creates a sonic boom that knocks down some of the oldest trees. Undaunted, Joe goes in for the score. Bill converts again and Morris does not know what hit them.

Ralph, you ignorant slut. Who did you sleep with to get this job, anyway?

Well, the Morris boys look nothing short of exhausted as they slooowwwly take their positions in the line out. It’ll be a throw in by Morris hooker Jon Epstein who sends it sailing over everyone’s head. On the ground it goes scooped up by Dan Robson who heads straight into Drew’s Wild Bill Hughes and they fall to the ground. But Morris’ international stalwarts – Kortenbout and McLaughlin – are at the breakdown and out the ball goes to Morris’ Greeesack,who scoops the ball and runs, of course, straight into Drew’s forwards just now arriving from the earlier line out. Dear Lord, it’s going to be a long 3rd period as the referee mercifully has blown the whistle and sends the teams to their sidelines

Period 3

Our players reluctantly take the field with Morris down by 7. The Drew legends line up and we go to our announcers:

It’s a squibber that eludes Morris’ entire pack and is picked up near the 5 meter line by John Louiso. Morris legend Chappy is by him in support and takes a pass -oooohhh that was forward but the ref has missed it and on we go. Chappy lofts a hospital pass to Kris O’Brien who…Oh he just pulls it in and avoids meeting his maker as Joe Noto flies by! Up the field he goes supported by his Irish mate Brian Ahern. They’re over the midfield line when Ben Malin trips and Morris gains a huge tract of land (Game time pause: Mmmmm…huge tracts of land…Action resumes) . The advance is stopped at the 22 but Morris’ forwards are already there! How’d that happen? Hey look, it’s a rolling maul like it’s 1980 all over again. Looks like Drew HOF Don Clarke has brought back some old-school rules. Will you look at that! Oh my, there’s some serious respiratory droplets being exchanged in that mass of humanity. It’s gonna be the last game for many of them, that’s for sure. But wait – SCORE! The Morris maul finally collapses on itself and will you look at that – they’re over the try line! We have Aussie Mick lining up for the conversion and…..it’s tied midway through the third period.

Did you know Drew was playing shorthanded the hole time? Bill “Bus Driver” Landis was caught talking to Cal about the subtleties of driving a large vehicle through Midtown. Wait. What’s this Bill?

Now the break-time air was sweet marijuana perfume
While iPods played a dancing bear tune
We all got up to dance
Oh, but we never got the chance

‘Cause the ruggers tried to take the field
The marching band refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the virus died?
We started singin’

Bye, bye Miss Covid Nineteen
Drove my Chevy to the Moose and the Moose was clean
Them good Olde Boys were drinkin’ whiskey and Jim Beam
And singin’ this’ll be the day I won’t die
This’ll be the day I won’t die.

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