By Ralph Scoville

As the Coronavirus sweeps across our country, our life as we know it has been turned upside down. In times like these, it is important that we cling to whatever vestiges of normalcy that we can grasp. Whereas religious traditions dictate that we avoid meat on Good Friday, Morris Rugby traditions supersede those and DEMAND that we eat meat on this sacred day.

Thus, instead of sinning in public, we retreat to the privacy of our homes and let others Zoom in on our unvirtuousness. Normally this might be a recipe for disaster, let alone an arrest warrant, but last night was different.

There are 2 scenarios on how this event took place. You read and you decide.

Scenario 1:

Caller: Hello, Arthur’s?

Phone: Yes, may I take your order?

C: I would like to place a take-out order.

P: Sure. Please hold.

Silence for the next 30 minutes as you sip a few Whistlepigs. It is almost like you are waiting at their bar. Finally, you magically hear:

P: Thanks for waiting, how can we help you?

C: I’ll have 20 Queen cut steaks with lots of glistening pickles.

P: OK, anything else?

C: Yeah, 2 orders of salmon, 2 hamburgers, and 1 lobstuh.

P: Anything to drink?

C: Sure. 24 large Yuenglings (in go cups) and 1 diet coke. Oh, yeah, and 25 Irish Coffees, easy on the coffee.

P: OK. Your order will be ready in 30 minutes.

Now consider this option…

Scenario 2:

A meeting was held via Zoom. All attendees were given the access code, but NOT the password. This truly WAS a rugby meeting. Finally, dinner commenced. In attendance were: Alex/Kat, Jen/Ken, Lil/Donna, Reverend William, Ralph S, Jake and Ava S, Karl/Andrea and Tom/KJ. After dinner was over, Ki/Beth would join for the cocktail hour.

The menu truly was befitting Arthurs. Steak was the dominant meal of choice, along with assorted sides of creamed spinach, asparagus, sautéed mushrooms, garlic bread and hot peppers. Larry the Lobster was also held in high esteem. One couple, whose names shall not be mentioned so as to protect the egregiously sinful on this sinniest of days, actually had LEFTOVER pizza before the meeting. Leftovers for Sinner’s Dinner? It makes me Feurious.

Ki and Beth were too embarrassed to enjoy their salmon with the rest of us sinners, so they joined in time for the Irish Coffee. There was even tiramisu for dessert, but unfortunately not enough to share.

Topics included:

How well run the Morris County COVID testing was going at CCM. But really, with KJ running the show, is this really surprising? Mazeltov KJ!

Karl gave us an update on a possible vaccine from J&J. I don’t remember how many doses could be produced per day, but it was staggering. Almost as many doses/day as there are knock-ons/game in an Olde Boys match. ALMOST.

Less important topics included the Tiger King, the insolvency of USA Rugby, Ken’s new job as car valet, duct tape being water resistant but not heat resistant, the length of my mane, and the size of Donna’s Dawg.

It was agreed in unison that while social distancing is working and necessary, it had damn well better be over by Joey Bella time!

Thus, I leave it up to you, dear reader, to decide which option truly occurred on this most un-holiest of nights. Just remember, with whichever option you choose, Chappy would be overserved and still need an Uber to get from his chiminea to his bedroom.

Posted in Masters